Had first day of training yesterday.

I'm grateful for a funny trainer and good colleagues.

Most of the time I feel like we're all just a group of budaks trynna adult.

I love and embrace this change.

Having them jokers distracts me from the thoughts of others.

I wish I can afford to move closer to work and live alone,away from the additionally unnecessary drama.

I don't get it.

What's the need of embarrassing me in front of my other friends?

Does that make you cool?

Does that make you more likeable?

Does that make you funny?

You turn into someone else when there's another person.

I put many efforts into aceing the interview,getting the job,finding this place.

Yet what do I get?

A friend who calls me noisy and embarrass me in public, and then tries to be like me?

I finally understood what you meant back then when you said "朋友是拿来利用的嘛".

What are you using me for? 

Me being nice doesn't mean you can just step on me like a pile of poop, just so that you can rise.

You want everyone and everything right?

You wanna be the cool,funny person right?

TAKE IT.

Because I ain't giving no shit anymore.

Yep.

So far no one has ever been able to see who I am other than my babe Leanne.

Love you babe.

Gonna end this post with a fugly pic of a video thumbnail that I've discovered today.

Goodbye.

*I hate being emo,I'm tired of feeling tired.
I.NEED.HELP.
Not further shaming*

So, I will be starting my new job tomorrow morning,hundreds of kms away from a place I call home.

I was so anxious for the entire week I had difficulty sleeping.

But as of now,less than 12 hours away from my first day,

I grew numb again.

I hate this.

Why can't I just have all other positive feelings just like everyone else?

Am I homesick or sick of home?

Why do I put all hopes in someone who fails me?

Why doesn't anything give me courage other than disappointments and anger?

Why do I love and appreciate people who treats me like garbage?

Have I grown used to believing that I deserve to be mistreated?

Why can't you at least put a tiny effort when I've put my all?

Why are the people we type to,a whole different person than who we talk to?

Why is it that when I activate my emotional defense mechanism,I'm mean but when people are mean,I'm called weak?

Why do people I treated sincerely disregards me?

Why do I feel so worthless when I'm being nice and people aren't?

What limits should I set with my friends so that I don't get attached and ended up hurt?

Why am I labelled dramatic when I genuinely feel the pinch in my heart?

Why was I laughing on the phone while my tears drench my face?

Why does caring hurts me more than everything?

Why am I fragile?

Why don't I have the courage to move on?

I left home,to move on from the bad memories,to create new,happier ones here.

Yet,it's just as bad.

Everyday I'm just hurting,for no apparent reason.

Has my depression conquered me once again?

How do I help myself?

How do I breathe?

How do I live?

*没人理解我的灰天*

A Poem to My Heart

Hey.

Woah.

Kays I haven't written any stories,poems or lyrics in a loooooong time because these days I don't feel inspired anymore.

(Or maybe lazy HAHA)

But here I am!

I've got a sudden inspiration and typed this poem,

a poem to my heart that no longer feels anything but pain.

Dear heart,

where are you?

Have you died,

with the disappointments that I've gone through?

Dear heart,

are you dead?

Or have you gone away,

when my feelings fade?

These nights, 

I stay awake,

You've lost the will to fight,

You no longer know what feels right.

Dear heart,

do you still love?

have you gone completely cold?

what happened to the girl with a heart of gold?

As I search for answers,

I try to get you back,

but heart,oh heart,

you're torn as a piece of rag.

Heart oh heart,

you've fallen again,

you knew it from the start,

but you chose the pain.

Dear heart,

why can't you be stronger?

why did you let yourself,

to be trashed all over?

Someday I hope, 

to find you again,

heart oh heart,

This is where my poem ends.

~CookieMelster 11th Oct 2017 10.20pm~

The sudden inspiration must've come from the people I've been in contact with these days plus the string of endless emo songs that I've listened to lol.

Well, I hope that it's worthy enough to be blogged.

I hope that someday,somehow, I will regain my passion in writing.

Goodbye.

*我的天空今天有點灰,我的心是個落葉的季節,我不知道如何度過今夜*

Hey all.

Good morning.

It feels like just yesterday since my last post.

I don't even know if anyone still read my posts.

But then again, does it matter?

These days being in this era,sometimes its best just talking to yourself,ya?

LOL.

Let's all be true to ourselves.

How many times have we talked to our "friends" knowing that they;re just superficially concerned?

And how many times have we pretended to give a damn about the things that they tell us?

Probably always.

Where has sincerity gone?

Why can't people communicate with their heart instead?

To the people whom I've been mean to sometimes,

I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I constantly get angry or annoyed.

Source:Pinterest

I'm not gonna justify my actions, but I'd like to broaden your view into my world so that maybe,maybe you'd somehow understand why I said or did certain things.

Recently I came across someone whom I'd hoped will be a good friend.

For some reason, I yearn to be closer.

I wanted to be strong.

I wanted to be a better person.

Yet, I was too afraid.

Too afraid that this "friendship" that I'm looking forward to, will just end up like the others.

So I went full emotional-defense-mechanism mode.

What's a better way to not get too emotionally-attached?

Source:Pinterest

Is it just me or does it hurt even more when you pretend not to care?

Source:Pinterest

And the reason is, I get hurt easily because I care far too much.

Loving them dearly does not guarantee that they too,will do the same.

I'm sorry.

I hope that no one in this life will ever go through the pain of insincerity.

Goodbye,for now.