Hey guys, wow!

It's been so long since I've last blogged!
How's everybodehhh?

Did anyone miss meeeeee?

So many things has happened in the last 3years and I'm too lazyyyy to write about them anymore.

One of the biggest highlight would be that I found myself a boyfriend and we have been together for a year now.

Here's a pic of us. =)

I actually decided to blog again after seeing my psychiatrist today(finally decided to do smth about my depression XD).

She suggests that I write letters to my mom whenever I'm depressed and since I USED TO love to write, I decided to give it another try.

I've been diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) about a month ago (I think?).
pretty depressing eh.

I'd like to share the symptoms and causes of BPD below, with no copyright infringement intended to Google and whatever website I copied them from.

Causes of BPD

• genetics- genes you inherit from your parents may make you more vulnerable to developing BPD, given certain environmental factors (see below)
• neurotransmitters- these are "messenger chemicals" used by your brain to transmit signals between brain cells; certain neurotransmitters can have a significant effect on mood and behaviour
• neurobiology- this term describes the structure and function of your brain and nervous system; it appears that some people with BPD have a number of regions in the brain with abnormal structure and function
• environmental factors- events that happened in your past, such as your relationship with your family, appear to play an important role in BPD

I can somehow relate so much to the environmental factors, therefore I'm gonna provide a slightly more detailed information below.

                                                                   Environmental factors

A number of environmental factors seem to be common and widespread among people with BPD. These include:

• being a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse
• being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child
• being neglected by one or both parents
• growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem

A person's relationship with their parents and family has a strong influence on how they come to see the world and what they believe about other people.

Unresolved fear, anger and distress from childhood can lead to a variety of distorted adult thinking patterns, such as idealising others, expecting others to be a parent to you, expecting other people to bully you, and behaving as if other people are adults and you are not.

And here are the symptoms:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can cause a wide range of symptoms, which can be broadly grouped into four main areas.

The four areas are:

• emotional instability (a psychological term for this is affective dysregulation)
• disturbed patterns of thinking or perception (psychological terms for these are cognitive or perceptual distortions)
• impulsive behaviour
• intense but unstable relationships with others

Each of these areas is described in more detail below.

Emotional instability

If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:

• rage
• sorrow
• shame
• panic
• terror
• long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness

You may have severe mood swings over a short space of time. It's common for people with BPD to feel suicidal with despair, and then feel reasonably positive a few hours later. Some people feel better in the morning and some in the evening. The pattern varies, but the key sign is that your moods swing in unpredictable ways.

Disturbed patterns of thinking

There are three levels of disturbed thinking that can affect people with BPD. These are ranked according to severity:

• upsetting thoughts – such as thinking you are a terrible person or feeling you do not exist. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they are not true
• brief episodes of strange experiences – such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real
• prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences – where you might experience both hallucinations (voices outside your head) or distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you). These types of beliefs may be psychotic (delusions), and a sign you are becoming more unwell; it is important to get help if you are struggling with delusions

Impulsive behaviour

If you have BPD, there are two main types of impulses you may find extremely difficult to control:

• an impulse to self-harm - such as cutting your arms with razors or burning your skin with cigarettes; in severe cases, especially if you also feel intensely sad and depressed, this impulse can lead to feeling suicidal and you may attempt suicide
• a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities - such as binge drinking, drug abuse, going on a spending or gambling spree, or having unprotected sex with strangers; impulsive behaviours are especially dangerous when people are in brief psychotic states, because they may be more likely to act impulsively if their judgement is impaired

Unstable relationships

If you have BPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them or get too close and smother you.

When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. They may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

• constantly texting or phoning a person
• suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
• physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
• making threats to harm or kill themselves if that person ever leaves them

Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger.

You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse.

These two patterns will probably result in an unstable "love-hate" relationship with certain people.

Many people with BPD seem to be stuck with a very rigid "black-white" view of relationships. Either a relationship is perfect and that person is wonderful, or the relationship is doomed and that person is terrible. People with BPD seem unable or unwilling to accept any sort of "grey area" in their personal life and relationships.

For many people with BPD, emotional relationships (including relationships with professional carers) involve "go away!/please don’t go" states of mind, which is confusing for them and their partners. Sadly, this can often lead to break-ups.

No wonder I always feel abandoned and unloved.

I wanna apologize to everyone whom I have unintentionally hurt in the past, present, and in the future.

It scares me how I actually run outta things to say.

Or maybe, just maybe that I do.

Anyways, do check back soon for my depressing posts which I'm gonna title "Letters to Mum".

Definitely not suitable for readers who cannot withstand negativity.
Anyways, just updated my blog background and stuff to make it look happier than those black, emo background. Hate the fact that I'm too lazy to change the font colors for my previous posts so I can't change the bg color of my posts.

Goodbye for now.

=)