Sunday, October 15, 2017

So, I will be starting my new job tomorrow morning,hundreds of kms away from a place I call home.
I was so anxious for the entire week I had difficulty sleeping.
But as of now,less than 12 hours away from my first day,
I grew numb again.
I hate this.

Why can't I just have all other positive feelings just like everyone else?
Am I homesick or sick of home?
Why do I put all hopes in someone who fails me?
Why doesn't anything give me courage other than disappointments and anger?
Why do I love and appreciate people who treats me like garbage?
Have I grown used to believing that I deserve to be mistreated?
Why can't you at least put a tiny effort when I've put my all?
Why are the people we type to,a whole different person than who we talk to?
Why is it that when I activate my emotional defense mechanism,I'm mean but when people are mean,I'm called weak?
Why do people I treated sincerely disregards me?
Why do I feel so worthless when I'm being nice and people aren't?
What limits should I set with my friends so that I don't get attached and ended up hurt?
Why am I labelled dramatic when I genuinely feel the pinch in my heart?
Why was I laughing on the phone while my tears drench my face?
Why does caring hurts me more than everything?
Why am I fragile?
Why don't I have the courage to move on?

I left home,to move on from the bad memories,to create new,happier ones here.
Yet,it's just as bad.
Everyday I'm just hurting,for no apparent reason.

Has my depression conquered me once again?
How do I help myself?
How do I breathe?
How do I live?


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

A Poem to My Heart

Kays I haven't written any stories,poems or lyrics in a loooooong time because these days I don't feel inspired anymore.
(Or maybe lazy HAHA)
But here I am!
I've got a sudden inspiration and typed this poem,
a poem to my heart that no longer feels anything but pain.

Dear heart,
where are you?
Have you died,
with the disappointments that I've gone through?

Dear heart,
are you dead?
Or have you gone away,
when my feelings fade?

These nights, 
I stay awake,
You've lost the will to fight,
You no longer know what feels right.

Dear heart,
do you still love?
have you gone completely cold?
what happened to the girl with a heart of gold?

As I search for answers,
I try to get you back,
but heart,oh heart,
you're torn as a piece of rag.

Heart oh heart,
you've fallen again,
you knew it from the start,
but you chose the pain.

Dear heart,
why can't you be stronger?
why did you let yourself,
to be trashed all over?

Someday I hope, 
to find you again,
heart oh heart,
This is where my poem ends.

~CookieMelster 11th Oct 2017 10.20pm~

The sudden inspiration must've come from the people I've been in contact with these days plus the string of endless emo songs that I've listened to lol.

Well, I hope that it's worthy enough to be blogged.
I hope that someday,somehow, I will regain my passion in writing.


Thursday, October 5, 2017

Hey all.
Good morning.
It feels like just yesterday since my last post.
I don't even know if anyone still read my posts.

But then again, does it matter?
These days being in this era,sometimes its best just talking to yourself,ya?


Let's all be true to ourselves.
How many times have we talked to our "friends" knowing that they;re just superficially concerned?
And how many times have we pretended to give a damn about the things that they tell us?
Probably always.

Where has sincerity gone?
Why can't people communicate with their heart instead?

To the people whom I've been mean to sometimes,
I am sorry.
I'm sorry that I constantly get angry or annoyed.
I'm not gonna justify my actions, but I'd like to broaden your view into my world so that maybe,maybe you'd somehow understand why I said or did certain things.

Recently I came across someone whom I'd hoped will be a good friend.
For some reason, I yearn to be closer.
I wanted to be strong.
I wanted to be a better person.

Yet, I was too afraid.
Too afraid that this "friendship" that I'm looking forward to, will just end up like the others.
So I went full emotional-defense-mechanism mode.
What's a better way to not get too emotionally-attached?
Is it just me or does it hurt even more when you pretend not to care?

And the reason is, I get hurt easily because I care far too much.

Loving them dearly does not guarantee that they too,will do the same.

I'm sorry.

I hope that no one in this life will ever go through the pain of insincerity.
Goodbye,for now.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Pain of Profession

 I'd like to tekan on workplace bullying/abuse today. 

Let me first make it clear that this does not only happen to me at the current workplace, but also at the previous place, only with a higher severity. 
I know, my face very suay, ya?

Now, what's that?

the definition of Workplace Bullying is an abusive conduct that is a mistreatment of one(or more) person(s) by one(or more) perpetrator(s).

I'll elaborate on the few that I constantly experience,
now or back then.

Yep. Often done by superiors who likes to look at the speck of sawdust in other people's eyes and can't see the Goddamn plank in their own eyes. Those who produces huge dramas from your ONE, tiny mistake,making sure the universe knows about it.
Please make sure that you're perfect before you go all Bollywood on people, k?

This. despicable. Superiors like to use this method on soft people like me, knowing so much that I can exceed expectations and rise above, yet tells me never-ending negative stuff about myself so that my self-worth decreases to zero, and eventually fades.
Seriously, bringing me down does not make you anyhow higher,k?

Verbal Abuse
Oh this. I've been called stupid so many times I can't even count anymore. This isn't school,it's an office. But ahh, people these days can't give a shit as long as they pay you or have the boss wrapped around their fingers, right? I mean, why care about the well-being of your people if you can only care about yourself?
In case you're not bright enough, that was sarcasm.

Personal Attacks
Can't stand this. These makes you wonder if they're retarded or just plain crazy.
These people basically comment about your life,your sickness,your family, your father's profession (and how he'll get karma for catching fishes), the color of your shoes,the length of your hair,the size of your eyes, and probably the number of your pit-hair,just for the pleasure of implanting something negative into your life. 
If there's karma for catching fishes, what about karma for doing evil deeds and being such a hypocrite?

That's all for today.
 Lost some inspiration when I stopped halfway to watch a video, or there'll be no ending to this.
There'll definitely be a Part 2 probably next week because it's the


Saturday, March 18, 2017

Dear all,
I hope things are good for all of you.
These days people don't really blog anymore, do they?
Well unless of course, that they're some famous blogger.

I can't remember when was the last time I had so much enthusiasm in blogging.
Neither can I remember when did I lose all passion and motivation in writing.
I remember thinking how hard life was back then.
Little did I know that the older you grow, the harder it gets.
I've reached a point where nothing interests me anymore.
Those days, those carefree days.
Where are they now?
Those dreams,those HUGE dreams to make a difference in this world.
Where have they gone?

I guess I resorted to blogging once again because there really isn't anyone whom I can talk to anymore.
By that, I meant those who won't judge me and have so many opinions about my problems.
Sometimes all I need is a listening ear, not a judgmental "friend" who tells me how horrible of a person I am.

There are so many things in my mind now that I can't get into place.
Zero inspiration, I guess?

I'm sorry I cannot reach your expectations.
This post should've been better.

*I'm sorry but this world is just not my place,
I've tried for so long to fix this and fit in,
I've come to realize this world's full of sin,
There's nothing for me here I'm just a waste of space,
I can't go on with this awful race,
it's a disgrace, I was misplaced,
born in the wrong time and in the wrong place.*

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Hey guys, wow!
It's been so long since I've last blogged!
How's everybodehhh?
Did anyone miss meeeeee?
So many things has happened in the last 3years and I'm too lazyyyy to write about them anymore.
One of the biggest highlight would be that I found myself a boyfriend and we have been together for a year now.
Here's a pic of us. =)

I actually decided to blog again after seeing my psychiatrist today(finally decided to do smth about my depression XD).
She suggests that I write letters to my mom whenever I'm depressed and since I USED TO love to write, I decided to give it another try.
I've been diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) about a month ago (I think?).
pretty depressing eh.
I'd like to share the symptoms and causes of BPD below, with no copyright infringement intended to Google and whatever website I copied them from.

Causes of BPD

  • genetics- genes you inherit from your parents may make you more vulnerable to developing BPD, given certain environmental factors (see below)
  • neurotransmitters- these are "messenger chemicals" used by your brain to transmit signals between brain cells; certain neurotransmitters can have a significant effect on mood and behaviour
  • neurobiology- this term describes the structure and function of your brain and nervous system; it appears that some people with BPD have a number of regions in the brain with abnormal structure and function
  • environmental factors- events that happened in your past, such as your relationship with your family, appear to play an important role in BPD
I can somehow relate so much to the environmental factors, therefore I'm gonna provide a slightly more detailed information below.

                                                                   Environmental factors

A number of environmental factors seem to be common and widespread among people with BPD. These include:
  • being a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse
  • being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child
  • being neglected by one or both parents
  • growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem
A person's relationship with their parents and family has a strong influence on how they come to see the world and what they believe about other people.
Unresolved fear, anger and distress from childhood can lead to a variety of distorted adult thinking patterns, such as idealising others, expecting others to be a parent to you, expecting other people to bully you, and behaving as if other people are adults and you are not.

And here are the symptoms:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can cause a wide range of symptoms, which can be broadly grouped into four main areas.
The four areas are:
  • emotional instability (a psychological term for this is affective dysregulation)
  • disturbed patterns of thinking or perception (psychological terms for these are cognitive or perceptual distortions)
  • impulsive behaviour
  • intense but unstable relationships with others
Each of these areas is described in more detail below.

Emotional instability

If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:
  • rage
  • sorrow
  • shame
  • panic
  • terror
  • long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness
You may have severe mood swings over a short space of time. It's common for people with BPD to feel suicidal with despair, and then feel reasonably positive a few hours later. Some people feel better in the morning and some in the evening. The pattern varies, but the key sign is that your moods swing in unpredictable ways.

Disturbed patterns of thinking

There are three levels of disturbed thinking that can affect people with BPD. These are ranked according to severity:
  • upsetting thoughts – such as thinking you are a terrible person or feeling you do not exist. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they are not true
  • brief episodes of strange experiences – such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real
  • prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences – where you might experience both hallucinations (voices outside your head) or distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you). These types of beliefs may be psychotic (delusions), and a sign you are becoming more unwell; it is important to get help if you are struggling with delusions

Impulsive behaviour

If you have BPD, there are two main types of impulses you may find extremely difficult to control:
  • an impulse to self-harm - such as cutting your arms with razors or burning your skin with cigarettes; in severe cases, especially if you also feel intensely sad and depressed, this impulse can lead to feeling suicidal and you may attempt suicide
  • a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities - such as binge drinkingdrug abuse, going on a spending or gambling spree, or having unprotected sex with strangers; impulsive behaviours are especially dangerous when people are in brief psychotic states, because they may be more likely to act impulsively if their judgement is impaired

Unstable relationships

If you have BPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them or get too close and smother you.
When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. They may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:
  • constantly texting or phoning a person
  • suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
  • physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
  • making threats to harm or kill themselves if that person ever leaves them
Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger.
You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse.
These two patterns will probably result in an unstable "love-hate" relationship with certain people.
Many people with BPD seem to be stuck with a very rigid "black-white" view of relationships. Either a relationship is perfect and that person is wonderful, or the relationship is doomed and that person is terrible. People with BPD seem unable or unwilling to accept any sort of "grey area" in their personal life and relationships.
For many people with BPD, emotional relationships (including relationships with professional carers) involve "go away!/please don’t go" states of mind, which is confusing for them and their partners. Sadly, this can often lead to break-ups.
No wonder I always feel abandoned and unloved.
I wanna apologize to everyone whom I have unintentionally hurt in the past, present, and in the future.
It scares me how I actually run outta things to say.
Or maybe, just maybe that I do.
Anyways, do check back soon for my depressing posts which I'm gonna title "Letters to Mum".
Definitely not suitable for readers who cannot withstand negativity.
Anyways, just updated my blog background and stuff to make it look happier than those black, emo background. Hate the fact that I'm too lazy to change the font colors for my previous posts so I can't change the bg color of my posts.
Goodbye for now.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

I've been sooooo happy lately!
on  Friday I had steamboat dinner at the Tanjung Tokong Xuan Xin with my Chubi, my 哥哥, and my beloved cell group members!
I love them and their company!
I'm so happy that Chubi has begun to blend in with us even more now!
ahhh so happy!
Saturday was even more awesome!
Chubi fetched me after work and we went for movie.
Street Dance 2.
(googled the picture)
it was an awesome movie!
I enjoyed my Saturday so much!!
I wanted to make Chubi fetch me to church this morning but he said he'll be late so I made Joseph fetch me.
I reached church only about two minutes earlier than him.
so yeah, Chubi sat with me and seeing him smile and laugh when Pastor was talking makes me wanna cry!
so happy to see him smile!
we had out Easter Storytime Sermon today!
so awesome!
after sermon I cried like hell because my Chubi accepted Christ!
I wanted to walk him to the front but someone else took over but it was okay.
I cried so so hard at my seat!
tears of joy!
its like all my effort came flashing back into my mind and everything is worth it now.
I wanted to hug him so bad but I know that I will not be able to stop crying if I did so I didn't.
I'm just so so happy and I love him so much!
He's so awesome!
I couldn't stop smiling even until I got home man!
I thank God for him, and for other good friends as well.