So, I will be starting my new job tomorrow morning,hundreds of kms away from a place I call home.
I was so anxious for the entire week I had difficulty sleeping.
But as of now,less than 12 hours away from my first day,
I grew numb again.
I hate this.
Why can't I just have all other positive feelings just like everyone else?
Am I homesick or sick of home?
Why do I put all hopes in someone who fails me?
Why doesn't anything give me courage other than disappointments and anger?
Why do I love and appreciate people who treats me like garbage?
Have I grown used to believing that I deserve to be mistreated?
Why can't you at least put a tiny effort when I've put my all?
Why are the people we type to,a whole different person than who we talk to?
Why is it that when I activate my emotional defense mechanism,I'm mean but when people are mean,I'm called weak?
Why do people I treated sincerely disregards me?
Why do I feel so worthless when I'm being nice and people aren't?
What limits should I set with my friends so that I don't get attached and ended up hurt?
Why am I labelled dramatic when I genuinely feel the pinch in my heart?
Why was I laughing on the phone while my tears drench my face?
Why does caring hurts me more than everything?
Why am I fragile?
Why don't I have the courage to move on?
I left home,to move on from the bad memories,to create new,happier ones here.
Yet,it's just as bad.
Everyday I'm just hurting,for no apparent reason.
Has my depression conquered me once again?
How do I help myself?
How do I breathe?
How do I live?