Saturday, November 11, 2017

I'm Sorry.

Gonna dedicate today's post to someone,a friend,who mattered to me.
I've actually already blogged partly about this person before.

I never thought this would've affected me this much.
This friendship,you.
If you ever happen to be reading this one day,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being overly dramatic,overly noisy.
But there are genuine feelings behind my every dramatic-looking post.
Many times I tell myself not to do that,but it gets outta control when I get nervous.
I mask my anxiety behind this fake noise of confidence.
I don't want you to see how broken I am by life,deep inside.
I mask my concern by being mean,cursing,rough.
I don't want you to know that I care.
I don't wanna let myself believe that I care.
As I grasp harder, I feel you slipping away.

I'm sorry for suffocating you.
I'm sorry for being immature.
I'm sorry for being sensitive.
I'm sorry for thinking too much.
I'm sorry for yelling at you in public.
I'm sorry for being too emotionally-attached and ended up infatuated.
I'm sorry I've complicated our supposedly-fun friendship.
I'm sorry for the forbidden feelings that I've had for you.

Despite the denial, I know that I might not matter.
I just wish I mattered as much to you as you do to me.
Each day, I open my eyes STILL expecting your texts,despite us not talking much anymore.
Even when we do,its nothing but shallow words.
We've outgrown each other.
I tried to squeeze back into your life.
But I stopped because I can't belong.
So I take a step back everyday.
I loosen my grip each day.
I wanted to set you free from my heart.
And today, I did it.

***Please DON'T be afraid of me if you ever see this,I'm not a creep lol.***


Yep,directed at you.

I know,buddy.
I can't love me either.

Before I sign off tonight,
For the last time.

Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up like I've never liked you.

I'll miss you.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Had first day of training yesterday.
I'm grateful for a funny trainer and good colleagues.
Most of the time I feel like we're all just a group of budaks trynna adult.
I love and embrace this change.
Having them jokers distracts me from the thoughts of others.

I wish I can afford to move closer to work and live alone,away from the additionally unnecessary drama.

I don't get it.
What's the need of embarrassing me in front of my other friends?
Does that make you cool?
Does that make you more likeable?
Does that make you funny?
You turn into someone else when there's another person.

I put many efforts into aceing the interview,getting the job,finding this place.
Yet what do I get?
A friend who calls me noisy and embarrass me in public, and then tries to be like me?

I finally understood what you meant back then when you said "朋友是拿来利用的嘛".
What are you using me for? 
Me being nice doesn't mean you can just step on me like a pile of poop, just so that you can rise.
You want everyone and everything right?
You wanna be the cool,funny person right?
Because I ain't giving no shit anymore.


So far no one has ever been able to see who I am other than my babe Leanne.
Love you babe.

Gonna end this post with a fugly pic of a video thumbnail that I've discovered today.


*I hate being emo,I'm tired of feeling tired.
Not further shaming*

Sunday, October 15, 2017

So, I will be starting my new job tomorrow morning,hundreds of kms away from a place I call home.
I was so anxious for the entire week I had difficulty sleeping.
But as of now,less than 12 hours away from my first day,
I grew numb again.
I hate this.

Why can't I just have all other positive feelings just like everyone else?
Am I homesick or sick of home?
Why do I put all hopes in someone who fails me?
Why doesn't anything give me courage other than disappointments and anger?
Why do I love and appreciate people who treats me like garbage?
Have I grown used to believing that I deserve to be mistreated?
Why can't you at least put a tiny effort when I've put my all?
Why are the people we type to,a whole different person than who we talk to?
Why is it that when I activate my emotional defense mechanism,I'm mean but when people are mean,I'm called weak?
Why do people I treated sincerely disregards me?
Why do I feel so worthless when I'm being nice and people aren't?
What limits should I set with my friends so that I don't get attached and ended up hurt?
Why am I labelled dramatic when I genuinely feel the pinch in my heart?
Why was I laughing on the phone while my tears drench my face?
Why does caring hurts me more than everything?
Why am I fragile?
Why don't I have the courage to move on?

I left home,to move on from the bad memories,to create new,happier ones here.
Yet,it's just as bad.
Everyday I'm just hurting,for no apparent reason.

Has my depression conquered me once again?
How do I help myself?
How do I breathe?
How do I live?


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

A Poem to My Heart

Kays I haven't written any stories,poems or lyrics in a loooooong time because these days I don't feel inspired anymore.
(Or maybe lazy HAHA)
But here I am!
I've got a sudden inspiration and typed this poem,
a poem to my heart that no longer feels anything but pain.

Dear heart,
where are you?
Have you died,
with the disappointments that I've gone through?

Dear heart,
are you dead?
Or have you gone away,
when my feelings fade?

These nights, 
I stay awake,
You've lost the will to fight,
You no longer know what feels right.

Dear heart,
do you still love?
have you gone completely cold?
what happened to the girl with a heart of gold?

As I search for answers,
I try to get you back,
but heart,oh heart,
you're torn as a piece of rag.

Heart oh heart,
you've fallen again,
you knew it from the start,
but you chose the pain.

Dear heart,
why can't you be stronger?
why did you let yourself,
to be trashed all over?

Someday I hope, 
to find you again,
heart oh heart,
This is where my poem ends.

~CookieMelster 11th Oct 2017 10.20pm~

The sudden inspiration must've come from the people I've been in contact with these days plus the string of endless emo songs that I've listened to lol.

Well, I hope that it's worthy enough to be blogged.
I hope that someday,somehow, I will regain my passion in writing.


Thursday, October 5, 2017

Hey all.
Good morning.
It feels like just yesterday since my last post.
I don't even know if anyone still read my posts.

But then again, does it matter?
These days being in this era,sometimes its best just talking to yourself,ya?


Let's all be true to ourselves.
How many times have we talked to our "friends" knowing that they;re just superficially concerned?
And how many times have we pretended to give a damn about the things that they tell us?
Probably always.

Where has sincerity gone?
Why can't people communicate with their heart instead?

To the people whom I've been mean to sometimes,
I am sorry.
I'm sorry that I constantly get angry or annoyed.
I'm not gonna justify my actions, but I'd like to broaden your view into my world so that maybe,maybe you'd somehow understand why I said or did certain things.

Recently I came across someone whom I'd hoped will be a good friend.
For some reason, I yearn to be closer.
I wanted to be strong.
I wanted to be a better person.

Yet, I was too afraid.
Too afraid that this "friendship" that I'm looking forward to, will just end up like the others.
So I went full emotional-defense-mechanism mode.
What's a better way to not get too emotionally-attached?
Is it just me or does it hurt even more when you pretend not to care?

And the reason is, I get hurt easily because I care far too much.

Loving them dearly does not guarantee that they too,will do the same.

I'm sorry.

I hope that no one in this life will ever go through the pain of insincerity.
Goodbye,for now.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Pain of Profession

 I'd like to tekan on workplace bullying/abuse today. 

Let me first make it clear that this does not only happen to me at the current workplace, but also at the previous place, only with a higher severity. 
I know, my face very suay, ya?

Now, what's that?

the definition of Workplace Bullying is an abusive conduct that is a mistreatment of one(or more) person(s) by one(or more) perpetrator(s).

I'll elaborate on the few that I constantly experience,
now or back then.

Yep. Often done by superiors who likes to look at the speck of sawdust in other people's eyes and can't see the Goddamn plank in their own eyes. Those who produces huge dramas from your ONE, tiny mistake,making sure the universe knows about it.
Please make sure that you're perfect before you go all Bollywood on people, k?

This. despicable. Superiors like to use this method on soft people like me, knowing so much that I can exceed expectations and rise above, yet tells me never-ending negative stuff about myself so that my self-worth decreases to zero, and eventually fades.
Seriously, bringing me down does not make you anyhow higher,k?

Verbal Abuse
Oh this. I've been called stupid so many times I can't even count anymore. This isn't school,it's an office. But ahh, people these days can't give a shit as long as they pay you or have the boss wrapped around their fingers, right? I mean, why care about the well-being of your people if you can only care about yourself?
In case you're not bright enough, that was sarcasm.

Personal Attacks
Can't stand this. These makes you wonder if they're retarded or just plain crazy.
These people basically comment about your life,your sickness,your family, your father's profession (and how he'll get karma for catching fishes), the color of your shoes,the length of your hair,the size of your eyes, and probably the number of your pit-hair,just for the pleasure of implanting something negative into your life. 
If there's karma for catching fishes, what about karma for doing evil deeds and being such a hypocrite?

That's all for today.
 Lost some inspiration when I stopped halfway to watch a video, or there'll be no ending to this.
There'll definitely be a Part 2 probably next week because it's the


Saturday, March 18, 2017

Dear all,
I hope things are good for all of you.
These days people don't really blog anymore, do they?
Well unless of course, that they're some famous blogger.

I can't remember when was the last time I had so much enthusiasm in blogging.
Neither can I remember when did I lose all passion and motivation in writing.
I remember thinking how hard life was back then.
Little did I know that the older you grow, the harder it gets.
I've reached a point where nothing interests me anymore.
Those days, those carefree days.
Where are they now?
Those dreams,those HUGE dreams to make a difference in this world.
Where have they gone?

I guess I resorted to blogging once again because there really isn't anyone whom I can talk to anymore.
By that, I meant those who won't judge me and have so many opinions about my problems.
Sometimes all I need is a listening ear, not a judgmental "friend" who tells me how horrible of a person I am.

There are so many things in my mind now that I can't get into place.
Zero inspiration, I guess?

I'm sorry I cannot reach your expectations.
This post should've been better.

*I'm sorry but this world is just not my place,
I've tried for so long to fix this and fit in,
I've come to realize this world's full of sin,
There's nothing for me here I'm just a waste of space,
I can't go on with this awful race,
it's a disgrace, I was misplaced,
born in the wrong time and in the wrong place.*