Hello peepsters!!!

How's everyone?

=D

Lol I haven't blogged for months!

Life has been changing tremendously since I started attending church again. 

 at least, now I found what I've lost few months back, my family of friends.

I still have other groups of mates,of course.

They taught me how to grow up, and how not to cry over lil things.

I believe that through them, I too learned how to be stronger.

On the 4th of October my brother called me from KL and told me that my God-daddy has been diagnosed with cancer and that he was in a critical condition.(He was the husband of my mother's eldest sister and they have taken me as their God-daughter because they only have three sons and no daughter) Aunt was in KL with bro and at that point of time, being alone at home, I started sobbing uncontrollably. 

I started praying, pleading and begging God and whatever other deities that I could think of, hoping that they will sustain the life of my God-daddy. 

We never knew that he had cancer! Earlier reports of the blood tests showed nothing wrong with him at all!

Later at night dad brought me to the hospital to see him.

There lying on the bed, was the God-daddy that I was once close to. He was sleeping, but the sight of him alive and breathing only because he was supported by the machine breaks my heart. The image of all the oxygen tubes and whatever else reminds me of my mum, and also myself in the ICU room when I attempted suicide in Secondary Two.

"Kay-pa.."

He opened his eyes and looked at me.

"I came to see you.."

"Hmm.." he answered weakly and went back to sleep.

For some reason, I felt like this was gonna be the last time that I will ever get to call him.

Tears formed in my eyes, and my god-brother quickly dragged me away.

I knew.

I knew that he was gonna leave us, but my heart held on tightly onto the hope that he will get to live longer than expected. 

Before I left the hospital, I told God-mama to call me if there's anything.

"NOTHING WILL HAPPEN LA!"

She snapped.

I wanted to burst out crying at that moment, because God-mama is obviously denying fate.

The next day, my heart shivered whenever my cellphone or the house phone rings.

I was afraid of losing another loved one. Hearing no news, I was relieved.

On the night of October 6th year 2011.

I was online as usual when suddenly dad called me over to the living room.

"Your kay-pa no more.."

"Oh.." was all I could say.

Numbness was all I felt.

Calm was all I was.

When I got to Butterworth for the funeral on the 8th of October, 

I had to kneel down and crawl into the hall in front of the coffin.

And then I burst.

"Kay-pa..*a long pause because I couldn't go on* 我回来了..(I am back)"

God-bro and God-mama pulled me away because I was crying a lil too hard.

"Ah Mei, mai hao.. (don't cry, lil sis)" was all that I heard.

That was the last time I cried at the funeral.

for the rest of the remaining days. including the day that we sent him off,

I didn't shed a single tear.

I thought I was ruthless.

A rude auntie made a remark saying that God-daddy's beloved God-daughter doesn't know how to cry.

I was hurt.

Does she know that I was crying deep inside?

No she doesn't.

I knew that God-mama was very sad too.

But she put a brave mask on and so did I.

The God-daddy that I just saw smiling just a few months back has gone back to be reunited with Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle and Mum.

I find comfort thinking that someday we will meet each other again.

However hard life is gonna be in future, I will never wanna give up because I hate the feeling of losing someone that I love, and I don't want people who loves me to lose me.

Guys, life is indeed short.

We might be breathing this moment, but we don't know whether we will still be the next.

Lets all love and appreciate people around us.

Its really hard for me to give up on people because deep in my heart, there's still hope and I believe that however bad a person might be,

a part of them, hidden away somewhere deep inside,

sincerity exists.

All it takes is just for the one right person to come along and prove it.

Special thanks to Chubi for making my day yesterday.

You gave me hope once again.

I'm happy that my sincerity and perseverance brought you back.

Thank you.

<3

And Vin 哥哥, I did not give up on you and never will because I believe that you do have some conscience in you.

I hope that someday you will find your true self back again.
S2, though you didn't say it, I think I know why you talked to me. Thank you for keeping your promise. I thought you weren't there when I needed you most, but you were. I missed you..
=')

As for those that I didn't mention up there,

I still love you guys loads!

Be happy!

And thanks for reading!

=')